Yann Tiersen - Goodbye Lenin! - Goodbye Lenin!
Sam left for Seattle Tuesday morning. Among the things she's going to be doing there is spending 3 days and nights with her ex-boyfriend. I keep waiting for her to call like she said she would, but the curious thing is when she does, I half expect her to cut it short because she is doing, or has something to do. Her mistake tends to be in forgetting the gesture only translates if you want to do something, not simply doing something because you remember at some point that you said you would.
Today, (being Wednesday) was the day for Ultimate frisbee. Hold that thought, I will come back to it...first however let me explain how my thought processes tend to come to fruition. When I am alone, on my bike, at work...sleeping...not sleeping...actually pretty much all the god damn time, I talk to myself. Not out loud or flamboyantly like the guy who walks up and down the sidewalk and is CLEARLY batshit fucking loco...but rather in my head and repeatedly. When I talk to myself I don't come to resolution, conclusion or any kind of -ion for that matter, however when I talk I DO tend to find out how I think about things when no one is there to interject. For instance, over the past few days I've argued with myself about frisbee, a sport which Sam plays very well, and pretty much consumes her life, whether she believes as much or not. I told myself that I don't find nearly as much satisfaction in rules, time limits, blah blah blah...nor do I really get any satisfaction from throwing the disc to someone up field or preventing someone ELSE from doing so. I haven't been able to run for two years, and of the three weeks we had played I felt like shit after two of them, and sat out the other one, injured. It isn't my sport and I hardly want to prevent myself from being able to do what I actually enjoy. I'd pretty much convinced myself that I wasn't going to go today and since Sam wasn't there I wouldn't have much reason to anyhow.
I did end up going...and before we were canceled due to lightning I had fun. I had more fun then I've EVER had while Sam was playing too. I caught the disc, threw it for one point, and I'd like to think that I had a good part in another. Even when one of my throws was intercepted and fumbled by a member of my own team when I threw it to someone else, I still had fun. I ran around, jumped in front of people and things and it was good...what does it mean to enjoy something more withOUT Sam for once?
The answer to that may actually be hidden within a short conversation I had today with someone I haven't spoken to in a while. The FIRST time I was lonely without Sam but never told her I talked to Nik, who I went to high school with and had a crush on for pretty much the duration...She knows it. It's beside the point.
She (like everyone else in the world) told me that the Sam thing was just not meant to be. She said that something which is so off and on isn't meant to be. She said, most of all, that a relationship has highs and lows, not on and offs. You are always TOGETHER for it. Like everyone else she told me I'll find someone who will love me...yadda yadda. But the first part stuck. I don't know what to do with it, but it's stuck like flypaper.
I told her that the off/on thing is just normal for me. I was off and on with Nikki for 6 YEARS. The only constant is me. It makes me wonder (or perhaps SUSPECT) that I chase them away but they never give up on me...or...something. I don't know, the thing is that there is never a constant in who breaks up with whom. Actually I think Nikki made all of the decisions...But with Sam we've each had our parts in each breakup. I don't know what's going on, and I'm even less certain that it won't just all happen again.
Sam told me that I could (not that I SHOULD) see other people. Everything is for my own benefit, or at very least, SAYING as much makes her feel better. When I ask she never says she thinks things would be BETTER because of it. Regardless...or IRregardless, other girls are apparently an option. But here's the kicker, and the thing I've tried to explain to her...I feel that there will most definitely be some kind of loveloss as a result. For an example you need only look to her and Paul. Even out of than now, she admits to feeling less, or differently, about it all. We are friends for true, but I believe that part of what makes us so close hinges directly on the pin that is my love for her. (I also believe her less than entirely that we'd still be as good of friends if she saw me with someone else, like she says we would.) I don't want that loveloss, and I have the sneaking suspicion that MY newfound freedom to see someone else is a double edged sword and also gives her the freedom to do so. She may not believe that now, but it would be just my god damn fucking luck to be with someone as soon as she decides she can be with someone, and that someone will no doubt NOT be me. I couldn't be around her for a VERY long time if she were with someone else. I just imagine the last FUCKING YEAR repeating itself if she were. This has been the worst year of my life thus far, I'm not all too eager to stick around for a feature length encore.
So.
The decision to see someone else would be the integral point of destruction of our friendship. Harry and Sally aside, I don't want to take that leap, and it fucking toads the wet sprocket because it all comes back to that double edged implement found only the battlegrounds stained with the blood of those who made the mistake of falling in that word most wretched, LOVE. I almost expect this to destruct without my making the decision because Sam wants to make her own decisions, and it's relatively apparent that those exact decisions are relieving me of mine, in the worst, most fucking painful way possible.
and I'm going down kicking and screaming, biting, gnawing and punching. Clawing my way to the top most deck of a doomed and sinking ship. In the end we all drown, but I want these last minutes of salty sea air.
