Thursday, October 16, 2008

A.A. Bondy - There's a Reason - - American Hearts

Write write write....anything. Where do I begin when I haven't had a specific identifiable thought in more hours than I've been awake? (that really does make some kind of backwards sense, at least if you haven't slept.) What questions do I ask oranswer; what do I bother to write?

I'm growing curious and/or anxious to find out when the whole inheritance thing will be concluded. My mother told me I was included in my grandmother's will as well, who apparently also owned some of the rich seam which is California property. I am obviously not going to stop working when it all goes through...even as it is, I have a hard time deciding if it's the lack of sleep or the boredom of being awake with nothing to do so many hours of the day which is worse. Working is at least a bit of respite from...nothing.

I did find out that according to CA law, the C.T. Pedersen estate is divided into 10 portions, which are in turn divided up among family members. My sister and I, as one offshoot of the family tree will be sharing one of those 1/10 portions, essentially...we each get 5% of the ridiculous estate, of the man we never knew or even met. I am not going to discuss how much 5% could end up being, but in my opinion, it's significantly more than I feel entitled to. The last thing I ever asked for was more money. I suppose it enables me to do a lot of things most other people could not. I am eager for my trip to Yosemite. I may not want to come back. I had this notion that i may have had someone I would eagerly want to return to. I was shot down before that even began because I am too "long term" and now I just want to prove how impulsive and unstable I could be, wanting nothing more than to leave and stay away until I'm ready to put up with all of...this...again. Will that be a month? Two? Six months or a year?

I had this crazy fantasy about asking ____ to go abroad with me...perhaps before Joe came to meet me there to climb. I realize how crazy that was, even to think, but as I was told, I felt she was someone I could have cared for "long term" as well. "I really am sorry...I think you are more 'wife' material than a 'girlfriend'..." I don't imagine that sounds half as nice as a person may think.

I am particularly confused at how the aforementioned conversation comes right after telling me I was somehow dubbed "pretty much the most attractive guy in the VA building" at one point by she and her sister. Maybe it was just the "build up -> let down." Just to be clear...I don't agree with that statement...I really love when people tell me they think I am attractive, before they say anything else. It's affirming to know that your most redeeming features are something less than meritous and much more...accidental or...incidental.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

¡ spacious loquacious !

Radical Face - Welcome Home, Son - - Ghost

I was just wondering why I never noticed your lips. Will the Pious P.C. call me sexist for saying as much? At the moment it's no more true than the moment before. My saying so does not and should never degrade you as a person; you are still unique, clever, bold and loquacious. The person I never knew I could have known until the time had past. Now left me to notice among other things how perfect your lips seem. Now leave me to wonder if I could have noticed sooner, and if it could have made a difference. Someday someone will tell me how similar we seem. We then compare vocabulary or punctuation, prose or narration and perhaps agree that the things I've once said resemble the things you will say someday; or that meandering through your personal dialog is a tributary which feeds into the same general woe myself and so many others have also found. All for naught when I was first caught in by something much more simple.

I've missed or forfeited more opportunities than I've managed to destroy no doubt. Sometimes that fact is thrown into sharper relief than at other times. There are always going to be the imagined moments of reminiscence where somehow I find myself so utterly delusional as to feel some sort of nostalgia for something which never even took place. Incomplete notions, nagging at my psyche like so many un-itched insect bites. "If only that had come to fruition." "If only I'd said something else." Why are there times where I do remember something, as it happened...detailed and real, though it never truly took place? If my mind can manifest any experience it chooses to, replacing the real with the reverie, let me remember your lips tonight.

Let tomorrow bear the weight of the real.

When I wake I will forget their feel; the strings of unconsciousness anchoring the apocryphal sensations firmly in the realm of sleep and dreams, slipping piece by piece from my mind as it is replaced bit by bit with waking thought. Your warmth will be replaced by the colour of the sun on my bedroom walls, your taste by the sound of the ceiling fan. When I look to the clock, the last bit of imagined feeling will be vanished before I can read the minutes of morning.

Someday I will not remember how we met, or our first conversation. I may go blind to the colour of your eyes and senile to your form, which in another time I may have been able to recognize even in mere silhouette. My own notions of what we could have been will blur with what we probably were not. Yet tonight, allow me to remember your lips.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Sincerity for Bullshitters.

Badly Drawn Boy - Minor Incident - - About a Boy OST

I got my ass kicked tonight and I really don't think anyone knows the difference. I told her I'd thought about it, but I hadn't placed so much stock in it as to do so much damage. What exactly was I supposed to say?

"Yeah...well...I like you a lot. Even though we've only hung out for the past few weeks, when I think about you I get flutters in my stomach. I become shy talking on the phone with you, and over think everything I say. You are the first girl I've been nervous around in years. But, it's okay. Really."

I did hope...Too much perhaps.

I've liked her since I've known her but I've become a connoisseur of bad timing. In the few times I've hung out with her I've only been more impressed, but I've been fooling myself apparently, again.

I've now been told by more than one person that I am someone who (they) could care for, as apparently opposed to someone intended or perhaps suited only for the more non chalant. Maybe in each case I was supposed to be more accepting somehow, but in each I found myself slightly dumbfounded; essentially, if I understand correctly...I'm TOO datable? Previously, it was meant as a shut down and I think intended to spare me. (which ironically this time also had the pretense of doing.) This time, she is still attached to her ex...and understandably said when you are just out of something meaningful or caring for someone, you cannot care for someone new immediately. I'm tired...and that is far from being verbatim, but at the same time, I had to swallow that statement along with the apparent confession that she tends to play the field to the utmost whenever she and her respective are at outs, that she has ACTUALLY been dating another guy while I've just been spending unassigned time with her, and she has another date tomorrow, with someone else still and again.

all this...has been for my own good, because she understands I've been hurt, and didn't want to cause further damage. Perhaps not irreperable....but for the first time I found myself INTERESTED in someone else, memorizing the details of the way her hair falls, or the uniqueness of her eye colour...her voice, her euphamisms, slender fingers and the way her mouth will smile while her eyes scan you for something more...she's student teaching and talks about art and knows what I'm talking about when I talk about art. She calls the artist Da Vinci which I hate, but I laughed at myself for having ever cared before I knew this girl.

Perhaps not irreperable, but for the first time I saw all of these things and I went away feeling like she'd taken her cues from Sam. Everything is for my own good, but nothing is motivated by my well being. This all happened under the label of, "better you hear it now than later."

While I was packing up to leave she was talking under her breath almost as if she may have regretted what was happening; told me "if I hang out maybe she'll come around" I was cooly upset at this point and just trying to leave while I still felt I had something to leave WITH. I told her half jokingly "THAT is playing." She's not trying to play me. She's been honest, and to salvage something I will tell myself it IS because she thought I was sincere, or that she COULD have cared for me...after that is when she told me the line about being someone she may be able to care about if she could care about anyone...

and I took my leave. It was a long ride home. I really like this's the girls who I do really enjoy who tend to have me biting my lip listening to stories about other guys who are in some way better than me.