Thursday, October 16, 2008

A.A. Bondy - There's a Reason - - American Hearts

Write write write....anything. Where do I begin when I haven't had a specific identifiable thought in more hours than I've been awake? (that really does make some kind of backwards sense, at least if you haven't slept.) What questions do I ask oranswer; what do I bother to write?

I'm growing curious and/or anxious to find out when the whole inheritance thing will be concluded. My mother told me I was included in my grandmother's will as well, who apparently also owned some of the rich seam which is California property. I am obviously not going to stop working when it all goes through...even as it is, I have a hard time deciding if it's the lack of sleep or the boredom of being awake with nothing to do so many hours of the day which is worse. Working is at least a bit of respite from...nothing.

I did find out that according to CA law, the C.T. Pedersen estate is divided into 10 portions, which are in turn divided up among family members. My sister and I, as one offshoot of the family tree will be sharing one of those 1/10 portions, essentially...we each get 5% of the ridiculous estate, of the man we never knew or even met. I am not going to discuss how much 5% could end up being, but in my opinion, it's significantly more than I feel entitled to. The last thing I ever asked for was more money. I suppose it enables me to do a lot of things most other people could not. I am eager for my trip to Yosemite. I may not want to come back. I had this notion that i may have had someone I would eagerly want to return to. I was shot down before that even began because I am too "long term" and now I just want to prove how impulsive and unstable I could be, wanting nothing more than to leave and stay away until I'm ready to put up with all of...this...again. Will that be a month? Two? Six months or a year?

I had this crazy fantasy about asking ____ to go abroad with me...perhaps before Joe came to meet me there to climb. I realize how crazy that was, even to think, but as I was told, I felt she was someone I could have cared for "long term" as well. "I really am sorry...I think you are more 'wife' material than a 'girlfriend'..." I don't imagine that sounds half as nice as a person may think.

I am particularly confused at how the aforementioned conversation comes right after telling me I was somehow dubbed "pretty much the most attractive guy in the VA building" at one point by she and her sister. Maybe it was just the "build up -> let down." Just to be clear...I don't agree with that statement...I really love when people tell me they think I am attractive, before they say anything else. It's affirming to know that your most redeeming features are something less than meritous and much more...accidental or...incidental.

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