Sunday, June 29, 2008

a paciência é benevolência

I've decided to start including mood music to read along to. Hit play before reading.
Andrew Bird - Self Torture - Armchair Apocrypha

I continue to be at a loss. Sam said today that the other night she missed "Me", but it wasn't something she wanted in her life right actually was said in reverse order, but the combination is just so perplexing and offensive that I choose to believe she meant something entirely different.

The word "impasse" has been used a lot lately. Arguments that she can't manage to win and I refuse to let go are dismissed as such if we've managed to get to that point more or less calmly. If we hadn't managed to do so she would tend to change the subject or say she was leaving. Even the situation as it stands has been deemed an needs or hers; I am willing to sacrifice everything except my love itself, which is something she does not want in the slightest at the moment. After a bit, and in response to the aforementioned sequential statement I told her that I miss her all of the time and immediately i was told it wasn't healthy.

Somehow along the way, lasting through heartbreaks and pain, fear and arguments, unwanted revelations and half-truths I had missed that this has all for my health. Silly thing of me to do...I know.

Not that I could ever escape the situation I am in as easily as finding someone who offers all that Sam does while actually returning some form of sentimental, emotional and physical tie apart from the emotional DAMAGE we inflict on eachother. I saw this photo and started to daydream just a tiny bit about the girl who may be out there, but undoubtedly...not here.

(the photo is from America's Next Top Model...yes. It's a vice, kiss my ass you judgmental little shit. At least it isn't black tar heroin.)

She is slim from activity, not from superficial image tampering like living in a gym. She's smarter than me in a way which she can manage not to be condescending and creative enough to be able to be my muse when my own creativity fails. (and up to the daunting frequency that tends to happen.) She's a rock climbing, peddle-pushing healthy eater, but knows the value that only cheesecake, butter and carbs can offer. She drinks coffee and tea and reads often. She's supportive when appropriate but can read when it's best just to let me vent the steam on my own. She's someone who I am willing to devote everything I have, always, but don't need to for us to both be happy. She enjoys movies and knows which movie I always watch (and sing along to) when I am sick. She can cook or better - WE can cook. She can go out and spend time with anyone else but always be satisfied and satisfy ending up in the same place when the day is over.

I'm sure my perfect girl has limitless provisos and stipulatory criteria and I am entirely aware for anything great she may offer, there will always be compromises and disagreements, wouldn't life be boring without them? But that is such the beauty of Sam; she can break my heart, disagree and argue, accidentally neglect me at times, but at the end of the day I still feel she's kind and meritorious and life with her is immeasurably more fulfilling than without.

Perhaps "without" is where the tiles fall after all.

Friday, June 27, 2008

We were different people

The title of my artist's blog is Everything is Different in the Morning. That specific line was written on a piece of paper and hidden deep in a maze of shrubs...I still have the piece of paper, wrapped around the flower petals she enclosed.

"Everything is different in the morning and as I lie here with beautiful people, I am wishing it wasn't" IQ

It wasn't written by Sam...but for her and I, words are rarely more true.

I wish there was someone who could have a great time out and doing things with other friends, but always be satisfied in ending up at the same place as me at the end of the night. Somehow when we are together everything dissolves over night. I was still heart broken when I watched her leave my house for that last time. I don't feel it'll be the last time we wake up together, but no one can say for certain when we'll find the will to be in the same place again.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Drugged sleep

This has been the longest week of my life.

Ending Somewhere

Depending on your opinion, it is either far to early or much to late to post anything.

My other blog is pretty much all sketches and paintings with perhaps occasional glimpses into my life, and why exactly I am too preoccupied to sketch or paint anything anyhow...

I write in a journal every once in a while, so who knows what will be left over for this blog; however, never fear, as per the example set forth by every other blog in the universe, it will be either entirely filled with complaining, whining and self pity...or ranting, judgment and general pissiness. Lovely. I don't really expect much traffic on my page so what the fuck is the point anyway right? Really, honest and for true...I couldn't say. I am going to do it anyway.

So starting in with it:

Sunday Sam and I broke up. Now, without going into the entire sequence of events of the past year...and a half...I can tell you that the two of us breaking up is something which requires talent, devotion and a lot of imagination. The additional requisites are due to the fact that she and I largely...weren't together. She binned my ass in February, but said binning went along with her saying she really did/does want to be with me, however she wasn't/isn't ready.

This Sunday we discovered that whatever her original reason, she is now too contented in making all of her decisions for herself alone. It is not bad, it isn't in an imperial or selfish way... most times. She just doesn't want to have to always consider keeping someone else satisfied. Because of it, we came to the conclusion that things will have to change, specifically my outlook on our relationship, the amount of time we spend together, and no doubt other things which I haven't yet come to terms with, or otherwise realized. It broke me, once again to hear how she would rather stay as she is and be without me than make any form of commitment or concessions from her resolute decisions.

I am not mad, and i don't love her any less because of it. She is doing what is right by her. I am just very sad...devastatingly sad at the loss we are going to see. I want her to be able to do what she chooses...In a perfect world, those things she chooses would reflect a bit more interest in me, admittedly. She said she still only has eyes for me...and I love her.

This creates a dilemma. Effectively I am in the same situation which I have been for the past 4-5 months, truth be told actually the past year, except now I've lost ground in regards to her reciprocal commitment. The situation I am in doesn't REQUIRE my commitment...but as I have said, I love the girl. So what am I waiting for? For her? I want only to be with her; yet I know that I am better than having to wait for her if she knows all she wants is to do everything on her own accord. She knows it as well, but in admitting it, she doesn't hope for me to move on. We are both stuck; she does not want me to move on yet isn't ready to be together and I don't want to move on either, but feel more than a bit led around.

She only has eyes for me.

I only have eyes for her.

It is going to be hard to live this way.