Thursday, October 16, 2008

A.A. Bondy - There's a Reason - - American Hearts

Write write write....anything. Where do I begin when I haven't had a specific identifiable thought in more hours than I've been awake? (that really does make some kind of backwards sense, at least if you haven't slept.) What questions do I ask oranswer; what do I bother to write?

I'm growing curious and/or anxious to find out when the whole inheritance thing will be concluded. My mother told me I was included in my grandmother's will as well, who apparently also owned some of the rich seam which is California property. I am obviously not going to stop working when it all goes through...even as it is, I have a hard time deciding if it's the lack of sleep or the boredom of being awake with nothing to do so many hours of the day which is worse. Working is at least a bit of respite from...nothing.

I did find out that according to CA law, the C.T. Pedersen estate is divided into 10 portions, which are in turn divided up among family members. My sister and I, as one offshoot of the family tree will be sharing one of those 1/10 portions, essentially...we each get 5% of the ridiculous estate, of the man we never knew or even met. I am not going to discuss how much 5% could end up being, but in my opinion, it's significantly more than I feel entitled to. The last thing I ever asked for was more money. I suppose it enables me to do a lot of things most other people could not. I am eager for my trip to Yosemite. I may not want to come back. I had this notion that i may have had someone I would eagerly want to return to. I was shot down before that even began because I am too "long term" and now I just want to prove how impulsive and unstable I could be, wanting nothing more than to leave and stay away until I'm ready to put up with all of...this...again. Will that be a month? Two? Six months or a year?

I had this crazy fantasy about asking ____ to go abroad with me...perhaps before Joe came to meet me there to climb. I realize how crazy that was, even to think, but as I was told, I felt she was someone I could have cared for "long term" as well. "I really am sorry...I think you are more 'wife' material than a 'girlfriend'..." I don't imagine that sounds half as nice as a person may think.

I am particularly confused at how the aforementioned conversation comes right after telling me I was somehow dubbed "pretty much the most attractive guy in the VA building" at one point by she and her sister. Maybe it was just the "build up -> let down." Just to be clear...I don't agree with that statement...I really love when people tell me they think I am attractive, before they say anything else. It's affirming to know that your most redeeming features are something less than meritous and much more...accidental or...incidental.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

¡ spacious loquacious !

Radical Face - Welcome Home, Son - - Ghost

I was just wondering why I never noticed your lips. Will the Pious P.C. call me sexist for saying as much? At the moment it's no more true than the moment before. My saying so does not and should never degrade you as a person; you are still unique, clever, bold and loquacious. The person I never knew I could have known until the time had past. Now left me to notice among other things how perfect your lips seem. Now leave me to wonder if I could have noticed sooner, and if it could have made a difference. Someday someone will tell me how similar we seem. We then compare vocabulary or punctuation, prose or narration and perhaps agree that the things I've once said resemble the things you will say someday; or that meandering through your personal dialog is a tributary which feeds into the same general woe myself and so many others have also found. All for naught when I was first caught in by something much more simple.

I've missed or forfeited more opportunities than I've managed to destroy no doubt. Sometimes that fact is thrown into sharper relief than at other times. There are always going to be the imagined moments of reminiscence where somehow I find myself so utterly delusional as to feel some sort of nostalgia for something which never even took place. Incomplete notions, nagging at my psyche like so many un-itched insect bites. "If only that had come to fruition." "If only I'd said something else." Why are there times where I do remember something, as it happened...detailed and real, though it never truly took place? If my mind can manifest any experience it chooses to, replacing the real with the reverie, let me remember your lips tonight.

Let tomorrow bear the weight of the real.

When I wake I will forget their feel; the strings of unconsciousness anchoring the apocryphal sensations firmly in the realm of sleep and dreams, slipping piece by piece from my mind as it is replaced bit by bit with waking thought. Your warmth will be replaced by the colour of the sun on my bedroom walls, your taste by the sound of the ceiling fan. When I look to the clock, the last bit of imagined feeling will be vanished before I can read the minutes of morning.

Someday I will not remember how we met, or our first conversation. I may go blind to the colour of your eyes and senile to your form, which in another time I may have been able to recognize even in mere silhouette. My own notions of what we could have been will blur with what we probably were not. Yet tonight, allow me to remember your lips.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Sincerity for Bullshitters.

Badly Drawn Boy - Minor Incident - - About a Boy OST

I got my ass kicked tonight and I really don't think anyone knows the difference. I told her I'd thought about it, but I hadn't placed so much stock in it as to do so much damage. What exactly was I supposed to say?

"Yeah...well...I like you a lot. Even though we've only hung out for the past few weeks, when I think about you I get flutters in my stomach. I become shy talking on the phone with you, and over think everything I say. You are the first girl I've been nervous around in years. But, it's okay. Really."

I did hope...Too much perhaps.

I've liked her since I've known her but I've become a connoisseur of bad timing. In the few times I've hung out with her I've only been more impressed, but I've been fooling myself apparently, again.

I've now been told by more than one person that I am someone who (they) could care for, as apparently opposed to someone intended or perhaps suited only for the more non chalant. Maybe in each case I was supposed to be more accepting somehow, but in each I found myself slightly dumbfounded; essentially, if I understand correctly...I'm TOO datable? Previously, it was meant as a shut down and I think intended to spare me. (which ironically this time also had the pretense of doing.) This time, she is still attached to her ex...and understandably said when you are just out of something meaningful or caring for someone, you cannot care for someone new immediately. I'm tired...and that is far from being verbatim, but at the same time, I had to swallow that statement along with the apparent confession that she tends to play the field to the utmost whenever she and her respective are at outs, that she has ACTUALLY been dating another guy while I've just been spending unassigned time with her, and she has another date tomorrow, with someone else still and again.

all this...has been for my own good, because she understands I've been hurt, and didn't want to cause further damage. Perhaps not irreperable....but for the first time I found myself INTERESTED in someone else, memorizing the details of the way her hair falls, or the uniqueness of her eye colour...her voice, her euphamisms, slender fingers and the way her mouth will smile while her eyes scan you for something more...she's student teaching and talks about art and knows what I'm talking about when I talk about art. She calls the artist Da Vinci which I hate, but I laughed at myself for having ever cared before I knew this girl.

Perhaps not irreperable, but for the first time I saw all of these things and I went away feeling like she'd taken her cues from Sam. Everything is for my own good, but nothing is motivated by my well being. This all happened under the label of, "better you hear it now than later."

While I was packing up to leave she was talking under her breath almost as if she may have regretted what was happening; told me "if I hang out maybe she'll come around" I was cooly upset at this point and just trying to leave while I still felt I had something to leave WITH. I told her half jokingly "THAT is playing." She's not trying to play me. She's been honest, and to salvage something I will tell myself it IS because she thought I was sincere, or that she COULD have cared for me...after that is when she told me the line about being someone she may be able to care about if she could care about anyone...

and I took my leave. It was a long ride home. I really like this's the girls who I do really enjoy who tend to have me biting my lip listening to stories about other guys who are in some way better than me.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Lithesome or Loathsome?

We are Scientists - The Great Escape - - With Love and Squalor

I've gotten so ridiculously lazy with this; but not lazy in general. While admittedly, I have started to feel I've hardly done anything productive of late I also hardly feel like I've been doing nothing. I work, but I don't have any extra money, I haven't been drawing and I need to. I don't think I've been doing anything at all, except for climbing. There was a brief bit with a girl, but my focus has been...elsewhere: Stone and exposure. Elevated heart rate and bloodied digits and elbows. Anything else has been strained to hold my interest. I find that unfair to anyone who may be trying to hold my interest, but I've devoted far too much time to someone else and it all ended in tears...Now is the time for me, if ever there was one. I would love someone to spend time with. Someone to spend my nights with and someone to cuddle up against, but I'm not ready to have to justify myself in going out with someone else, climbing 3 or 4 days a week, wanting to be alone for a while, or just having days of waning interest which I am not required to explain. It's not fair to expect from anyone, and I don't.

I "spoke" of a training mission earlier this year, missions to get me ready to climb the East face of Long's Peak, The Diamond. Hallett's peak went off...more or less as planned. (less) but we did finish...just not the route we started on.

We were actually on the Diamond yesterday, about 12 miles all in all hiking, a lot of climbing, all. We didn't end up finishing (this time) but we did hold up better than we thought. As a testpiece I think we did exceptionally.

I'll put pictures of of both trips, as well as write a more in depth entry, but I'm still too tired to do it now. I'm off.

Saturday, August 2, 2008

Secrets or....Secretions.

We are Scientists - HoppĂ­polla (acoustic) - -
The Flobots - Rise - - Fight w/ Tools

These moments have been over two years in the making.

Two years of mistreating each other in turns, ignoring each other and at times, lying, both to ourselves and seemingly more importantly as I've found, to each other as well.

"20 years of bad decisions haven't taught me much at all."

There is something now which I am not to share...except I need to examine exactly why. Is it because I OWE it to her?

What could I possibly owe her at this point? The things which she had cause to change in me (for the better or otherwise) are slowly being undone as she hurts me again and again. If I consider what I've given her, emotionally, in terms of devotion AND in the material, in exchange for what I've received in emotional damage and disappointment; I am all but certain that I could never feel like I owe her ANYTHING ever again. I'm past even feeling that sentimental bullshit of, "well her friendship was the most valuable gift which could be given..." Obviously it wasn't. Any time she made me feel special or important...wanted or loved is tainted by what has happened, and I hardly believe in any of it anymore. I wrote of the loss of something in my last belief in what we had is among that. Even worse, the most terrible that whether I want it to, or rant otherwise...she's still pretty much my favourite fucking person in the entire fucking world.

Yet, back to the original point...I will never gossip about the issue at hand. Not because I owe her a god damn thing...I've said I do not. But because I am not that kind of person. Despite some of the things which have happened, or the way I have acted at times...I will never punish someone or be spiteful to get even.

Even as such, my night last night was so very awesome *. (Last night was terrible and full of compensational liqouring) I went to coffee with Leah in the evening, the night was actually going well. I'd worked all day and was a bit exhausted but not tired. We drank coffee and talked about nothing in particular. I ate a sandwich and we giggled about the women whose skirts were less skirts and more...belts. Once we left I ran into a man named Clayton with a woman I can only guess was his ACTUAL girlfriend...I am not going to describe who Clayton is, but I will say, he is not my favourite person...10 FUCKING minutes later we walked out of the liquor store holding a bottle of 100 proof SoCo, only to run into Sam riding up, wearing the messenger bag I gave her, my headlamp, and riding the very nice mountain bike which I paid for and built her. I was wide eyed and tried to nonchalantly hide the bottle behind my leg, but it wasn't very hard to figure out what we were doing, and that my telling her I wouldn't drink no longer matters to me.

When it comes to alcohol, I am a lightweight. 23 years of sobriety from nearly everything, medication included, means I can drink a PINT of beer and be feeling pretty good. Add in the fact that I am always dehydrated from running around and don't tend to eat...I didn't stand a chance. I drank way more than I should have, which with 100 proof whiskey isn't hard. I shared a tiny bit of narcissistic honesty including a long overdue apology and went to bed around 4a and woke up without prompting at 6.30a and was in and out all morning. All day everything tastes and smells like whiskey. I haven't had a head ache, but I'm not running at 100%.

Tonight (last night) I had to work, dropping and resetting the lead wall, which turned into an ordeal. No one was actually SCHEDULED to work, I just knew that we needed to and one else really did. Andy had worked all day, but was really cool and stayed to drop. Most of you won't know what any of this means, but for those who may, when I say that two people cleaning the entire lead wall is less than ideal, you can take it at face value. We stayed until 11p which is 2 full hours after we'd normally be there, but I DID set a 5.12+ which should be entertaining to hear people complain about.

Conclude the night with a long ride home to a hot house with no internet, and leaving once more to sit on the outside patio of a closed coffee shop.

*(Sarcasm isn't conveyed well through type, so I will include the translations in blue.)