Saturday, August 2, 2008

Secrets or....Secretions.

We are Scientists - Hoppípolla (acoustic) - -
or
The Flobots - Rise - - Fight w/ Tools

These moments have been over two years in the making.

Two years of mistreating each other in turns, ignoring each other and at times, lying, both to ourselves and seemingly more importantly as I've found, to each other as well.

"20 years of bad decisions haven't taught me much at all."

There is something now which I am not to share...except I need to examine exactly why. Is it because I OWE it to her?

What could I possibly owe her at this point? The things which she had cause to change in me (for the better or otherwise) are slowly being undone as she hurts me again and again. If I consider what I've given her, emotionally, in terms of devotion AND in the material, in exchange for what I've received in emotional damage and disappointment; I am all but certain that I could never feel like I owe her ANYTHING ever again. I'm past even feeling that sentimental bullshit of, "well her friendship was the most valuable gift which could be given..." Obviously it wasn't. Any time she made me feel special or important...wanted or loved is tainted by what has happened, and I hardly believe in any of it anymore. I wrote of the loss of something in my last post...my belief in what we had is among that. Even worse, the most terrible bit...is that whether I want it to, or rant otherwise...she's still pretty much my favourite fucking person in the entire fucking world.

Yet, back to the original point...I will never gossip about the issue at hand. Not because I owe her a god damn thing...I've said I do not. But because I am not that kind of person. Despite some of the things which have happened, or the way I have acted at times...I will never punish someone or be spiteful to get even.

Even as such, my night last night was so very awesome *. (Last night was terrible and full of compensational liqouring) I went to coffee with Leah in the evening, the night was actually going well. I'd worked all day and was a bit exhausted but not tired. We drank coffee and talked about nothing in particular. I ate a sandwich and we giggled about the women whose skirts were less skirts and more...belts. Once we left I ran into a man named Clayton with a woman I can only guess was his ACTUAL girlfriend...I am not going to describe who Clayton is, but I will say, he is not my favourite person...10 FUCKING minutes later we walked out of the liquor store holding a bottle of 100 proof SoCo, only to run into Sam riding up, wearing the messenger bag I gave her, my headlamp, and riding the very nice mountain bike which I paid for and built her. I was wide eyed and tried to nonchalantly hide the bottle behind my leg, but it wasn't very hard to figure out what we were doing, and that my telling her I wouldn't drink no longer matters to me.

When it comes to alcohol, I am a lightweight. 23 years of sobriety from nearly everything, medication included, means I can drink a PINT of beer and be feeling pretty good. Add in the fact that I am always dehydrated from running around and don't tend to eat...I didn't stand a chance. I drank way more than I should have, which with 100 proof whiskey isn't hard. I shared a tiny bit of narcissistic honesty including a long overdue apology and went to bed around 4a and woke up without prompting at 6.30a and was in and out all morning. All day everything tastes and smells like whiskey. I haven't had a head ache, but I'm not running at 100%.

Tonight (last night) I had to work, dropping and resetting the lead wall, which turned into an ordeal. No one was actually SCHEDULED to work, I just knew that we needed to and cared...no one else really did. Andy had worked all day, but was really cool and stayed to drop. Most of you won't know what any of this means, but for those who may, when I say that two people cleaning the entire lead wall is less than ideal, you can take it at face value. We stayed until 11p which is 2 full hours after we'd normally be there, but I DID set a 5.12+ which should be entertaining to hear people complain about.

Conclude the night with a long ride home to a hot house with no internet, and leaving once more to sit on the outside patio of a closed coffee shop.

*(Sarcasm isn't conveyed well through type, so I will include the translations in blue.)


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