Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Sincerity for Bullshitters.

Badly Drawn Boy - Minor Incident - - About a Boy OST

I got my ass kicked tonight and I really don't think anyone knows the difference. I told her I'd thought about it, but I hadn't placed so much stock in it as to do so much damage. What exactly was I supposed to say?

"Yeah...well...I like you a lot. Even though we've only hung out for the past few weeks, when I think about you I get flutters in my stomach. I become shy talking on the phone with you, and over think everything I say. You are the first girl I've been nervous around in years. But, it's okay. Really."

I did hope...Too much perhaps.

I've liked her since I've known her but I've become a connoisseur of bad timing. In the few times I've hung out with her I've only been more impressed, but I've been fooling myself apparently, again.

I've now been told by more than one person that I am someone who (they) could care for, as apparently opposed to someone intended or perhaps suited only for the more non chalant. Maybe in each case I was supposed to be more accepting somehow, but in each I found myself slightly dumbfounded; essentially, if I understand correctly...I'm TOO datable? Previously, it was meant as a shut down and I think intended to spare me. (which ironically this time also had the pretense of doing.) This time, she is still attached to her ex...and understandably said when you are just out of something meaningful or caring for someone, you cannot care for someone new immediately. I'm tired...and that is far from being verbatim, but at the same time, I had to swallow that statement along with the apparent confession that she tends to play the field to the utmost whenever she and her respective are at outs, that she has ACTUALLY been dating another guy while I've just been spending unassigned time with her, and she has another date tomorrow, with someone else still and again.

all this...has been for my own good, because she understands I've been hurt, and didn't want to cause further damage. Perhaps not irreperable....but for the first time I found myself INTERESTED in someone else, memorizing the details of the way her hair falls, or the uniqueness of her eye colour...her voice, her euphamisms, slender fingers and the way her mouth will smile while her eyes scan you for something more...she's student teaching and talks about art and knows what I'm talking about when I talk about art. She calls the artist Da Vinci which I hate, but I laughed at myself for having ever cared before I knew this girl.

Perhaps not irreperable, but for the first time I saw all of these things and I went away feeling like she'd taken her cues from Sam. Everything is for my own good, but nothing is motivated by my well being. This all happened under the label of, "better you hear it now than later."

While I was packing up to leave she was talking under her breath almost as if she may have regretted what was happening; told me "if I hang out maybe she'll come around" I was cooly upset at this point and just trying to leave while I still felt I had something to leave WITH. I told her half jokingly "THAT is playing." She's not trying to play me. She's been honest, and to salvage something I will tell myself it IS because she thought I was sincere, or that she COULD have cared for me...after that is when she told me the line about being someone she may be able to care about if she could care about anyone...

and I took my leave. It was a long ride home. I really like this girl...it's the girls who I do really enjoy who tend to have me biting my lip listening to stories about other guys who are in some way better than me.

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