Ending Somewhere

Depending on your opinion, it is either far to early or much to late to post anything.

My other blog is pretty much all sketches and paintings with perhaps occasional glimpses into my life, and why exactly I am too preoccupied to sketch or paint anything anyhow...

I write in a journal every once in a while, so who knows what will be left over for this blog; however, never fear, as per the example set forth by every other blog in the universe, it will be either entirely filled with complaining, whining and self pity...or ranting, judgment and general pissiness. Lovely. I don't really expect much traffic on my page so what the fuck is the point anyway right? Really, honest and for true...I couldn't say. I am going to do it anyway.

So starting in with it:

Sunday Sam and I broke up. Now, without going into the entire sequence of events of the past year...and a half...I can tell you that the two of us breaking up is something which requires talent, devotion and a lot of imagination. The additional requisites are due to the fact that she and I largely...weren't together. She binned my ass in February, but said binning went along with her saying she really did/does want to be with me, however she wasn't/isn't ready.

This Sunday we discovered that whatever her original reason, she is now too contented in making all of her decisions for herself alone. It is not bad, it isn't in an imperial or selfish way... most times. She just doesn't want to have to always consider keeping someone else satisfied. Because of it, we came to the conclusion that things will have to change, specifically my outlook on our relationship, the amount of time we spend together, and no doubt other things which I haven't yet come to terms with, or otherwise realized. It broke me, once again to hear how she would rather stay as she is and be without me than make any form of commitment or concessions from her resolute decisions.

I am not mad, and i don't love her any less because of it. She is doing what is right by her. I am just very sad...devastatingly sad at the loss we are going to see. I want her to be able to do what she chooses...In a perfect world, those things she chooses would reflect a bit more interest in me, admittedly. She said she still only has eyes for me...and I love her.

This creates a dilemma. Effectively I am in the same situation which I have been for the past 4-5 months, truth be told actually the past year, except now I've lost ground in regards to her reciprocal commitment. The situation I am in doesn't REQUIRE my commitment...but as I have said, I love the girl. So what am I waiting for? For her? I want only to be with her; yet I know that I am better than having to wait for her if she knows all she wants is to do everything on her own accord. She knows it as well, but in admitting it, she doesn't hope for me to move on. We are both stuck; she does not want me to move on yet isn't ready to be together and I don't want to move on either, but feel more than a bit led around.

She only has eyes for me.

I only have eyes for her.

It is going to be hard to live this way.